Peerality's Guide to Mid-life Crisis'

Mid-life crisis’ hit just about everyone born with a penis. Different men deal with their respective crisis in different ways. Some guys buy sports cars. Some guys buy boats. Some guys undergo career changes. Some have plastic surgery. Some guys start popping Viagra. Still other guys leave their wives and or take mistresses. Many use a combination of these tactics to deal with the facts that they are what they. that time is running out on them and that they’ll never again be 23 years old.

Personally, I plan on dealing with mine by opening a bar with Pickelman and or buying a sweet boat – if I haven’t already done both of those things. I might even pick up a G-5 babay babay - Tom Cruise style. Anyhoo, it is not that often that a mid-life crisis kills a guy – a la booze and an extramarital affair (assuming the chick shot him). It is tragic, really. A former NFL quarterback, with a wife and kids, hooks up with a Dave and Busters waitress he met while with his family and is brutally murdered by her. Brutal, truly brutal.

Before you jump on me for going after Steve McNair, especially this soon after his killing, remember that he held himself out as a model family man and won NFL Man of the Year. He embraced this role and profited by it, so, to me he is fair game. If you think I’m insensitive, I don’t really care – here we go.

A D&B waitress? Really bro? What, Chucky Cheese’s was closed? Showbiz Pizza didn’t want any of that? Casa Bonita not open that late? I mean I’m sure McDonalds could’ve had you “Lovin’ it.” At Burger King you could’ve had it your way.” If nothing else, Red Lobster could’ve satisfied the “seafood” lover in you, right? I can see it now, you’re at D&B, “Here, honey . . . here are some tokens. Take the kids. I have to go cruise chicks.”

I mean, you’re Steve “Air” McNair. You could likely pound any vaj you want to . . . young . . . old . . . it’s all you bro. You’re the only successful black franchise quarterback in NFL history. Successful . . . black . . . franchise quarterback . . . was the man not genetically engineered to pull chicks? Go to Rio. Go to Miami beach. Go to L.A., New York or even your backyard there in Nashville. Do what you want, but, whatever you do, don’t hook up with and then buy an Escalade with a 20 year old waitress from Dave and Busters. What, Italian supermodels in waiting named Gianna don’t appeal to you? Swimsuit models don’t float your boat? I mean, what happened to the good old trusty neighborhood rub n’ tug? Come on, bro. You’re better than that, are . . . I mean were, weren’t you?

For an example of how to do a mid-life crisis, see John Elway. Elway didn’t develop a drinking problem or hook up and buy an Escalade for a 20 year old D&B waitress. Rather, he did some commercials with Mike Ditka, bought an arena league team with Bon Jovi, got a divorce from his wife and is now with a smoking hottie ex-Raiderette. I won’t speculate on rumors of infidelity or any of that, well, mostly because his last name is Elway. However, the facts are that Elway divorced Janet in ’03 and didn’t make plans to remarry until ‘08. He met his lady (a smokin’ hottie named Paige Green) at a celebrity golf outing when he was single – not at a D&B while out with his family.

There are three lessons to be learned here. Lesson 1: Don’t manifest your MLC via infidelity or leaving thine wench. Rather, find a more constructive outlet such as risky business ventures, expensive toys and or Viagra. Lesson 2: If you are going to be a D-bag and skip out on your lady, do it. Don’t linger and cheat with a wacked out D&B waitress 16 years your junior. Rather, get out of the marriage, meet some smoking hottie from your arch rival’s booty at a celebrity golf tournament and tap dat’. Lesson 3: Keep it real. I’m not sure this is really a valuable lesson, but it is an overused and underappreciated lesson nonetheless.

- Until next time, keep your reality on the fritz and your peerality on the blitz.